“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
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Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
thinking about a very short hotdog
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there