“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
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My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
🤣could you imagine
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT