Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
You Might Also Like
They’re really bad with fonts.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!