@Lindzeta: Didn't u hate it when as a kid u got the "mystery flavor" lollipop & the mystery ended up being that your parents got divorced (Or lemon)?
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@ericsshadow: WOMAN: some people shouldn't have children ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
@mstluvstrinkets: Is it against the law for postal workers to smile or was it my audacity to mail something?
@TheBoydP: Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
@bigmacher: Me: "Hey towel, you're looking good. What u doing later?" Wife: That's not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.