Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
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16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
So that’s what we looked like?
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I love snow
– People who never shovel