Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
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1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.