I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
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Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
And bowling should be called pinball
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.