hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
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[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
and this one
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky