*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
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I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!