Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
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People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin