“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
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If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?