[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
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If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I hope it’s French Onion!
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
meanwhile over on facebook
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.