[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
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I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
We like the way Dwight thinks
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁