Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
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My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
next level snooze
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?