Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
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One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.