I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
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Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Dance like you’re not the father
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?