[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
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the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
i- i did not expect this
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.