i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
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There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
How animals would run if they were human
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.