What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
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The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
need a new bf mines broken 😐
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*