*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
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Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
getting corrected