Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
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Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
My sex drive has a dui