Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
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You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
That’s not how days work.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please