@mydmac: Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
@atanya1111: Husband: are you cooking something?
Me: of course not
Husband: the oven timer just went off
Me: oh yeah, take the wine out of the freezer
@tigersgoroooar: hate when the barista asks "do you want whipped cream?" it feels there are only two answers: "yes please, i'm fat." or "no thanks, i'm fat."
@squidswards: Teachers are sometimes like an alarm clock. They won't shut up when you're trying to sleep.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: How was your first day of school?
Me: I'm sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
@LnL245: "Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun"
*drops string cheese*
"This hole is no cause for alarm"
*picks up string cheese*