@mydmac: Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
@DurtMcHurtt: [dinner at brother's house]
"So where are the kids?"
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
@antiarzE: - do u like green eggs & ham?
- i do not like them, sam i am
- but why?
- animal agriculture leads to global warming sam read a goddamn book
@BradBroaddus: I liked Nicki Minaj a lot better when she was Michael Jackson.
@Mardigroan: She asked if I had lost my mind. It's nice to know that there's some doubt.
@freypalm: Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.