Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
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“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Message from the dog groomers
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?