[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
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He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.