[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
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If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you