The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
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“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Lube but for my dry humor.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.