Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
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Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.