Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
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Sign of the day..
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
This January has 47 Mondays
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.