Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
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Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar