diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
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her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.