diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
You Might Also Like
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.