Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
You Might Also Like
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Thoughts
me, after any kind of buffet.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules