Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
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Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.