@jwoodham: DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C'mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
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@panmidwest: HER: so what do you do? ME: i'm a mathemagician HER: you mean a mathematician? ME: [divides by zero] no
@ComicMikeV: Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
@sploosk: my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying "this one's on the house" every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
@aligarchy: DR: you have this disease ME: oh no DR: but you can cure it with a healthy diet and exercise ME: OH NO