DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
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Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming