Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
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Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
🤭😂
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*