Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
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it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
*sewing*
A thread
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.