@Kauaibride: diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don't wear any.
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@EndhooS: Boss "Are you high?" Me "If I was high could I do this?" *Inserts a USB into it's port the right way up 1st time"
@autocorrects: I don't understand why some snacks are "fun-sized", there's really nothing "fun" about having a smaller portion of food.
@Ristolable: You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
@Shot_Of_Cabo: Impress your wife by cleaning something she just cleaned and then proudly announce, "There! Now it's clean."