@Kauaibride: diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don't wear any.
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@EndhooS: Cool puppy. What's his name? "Patches" Aww, that's a cute name. Because he has those spots? "Nah...it's cause he's trying to quit smoking"
@NicestHippo: "You're sure you understand stock trading?" ME: Yep "Then why (holds up card) did you trade our Google shares for a Charizard?"
@zachreinert03: One time I saw a duck get hit by a wonder bread truck and that's pretty much why I try not to get too ambitious
@Nickadoo: My urologist is weird. I peed in a cup. He drank it and said, "You're fine." Then he paid me. Don't choose a doctor from Craigslist.