Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
You Might Also Like
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Help Wanted
This is my bus stop.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.