Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
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When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
FINE, I WON’T.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Haha! 😂
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy