Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
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Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
This is my emotional support knife.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo