Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
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I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
The Compass
this is the best interaction on twitter
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.