Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
You Might Also Like
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I laughed at this way too hard.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
I have no passwords left in me
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars