[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
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Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah