*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
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“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
ok this is my dumbest yet
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.