*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
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My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!