[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
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Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”