[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
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The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.