[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
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Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie