[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
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Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
*lint rolls you awake*
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having